sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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