his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
