I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Soap is not a condiment
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
