Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
