so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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