I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
