Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
