Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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