the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
