So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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