I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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