I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
