When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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