Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
