I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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