so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
