I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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