My cat gives me a boner
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
