my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
