1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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