I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
