Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
