This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
