My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
