sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
