break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
