Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
The best revenge is premature balding
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
