There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I party with great urgency now.
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