her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
