If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
