I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
