Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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