Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
