this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
