You're completely useless in the revolution.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
