i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
