Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
