I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
