So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
