Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Two words: blizzard sex
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
