i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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