I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
