She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's rum buckets o'clock
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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