I need to stop coming to work sober
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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