The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
