If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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