Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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