If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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