just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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