the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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