the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
