i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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